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The Stairway To Heaven

About Shrestha

A crazy Procrastinator and a passionate bookworm. Hailing from the land of Seven Sisters, her paper plane of dreams lands into the empire of words, where her solitude takes the form of stories with characters either created or played by her,

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Prologue

 

….Amidst whatever is not in my life now I try to settle for what I have, a mere room, the self-hatred and most importantly, the darkness.

I woke up from the strong touch, the strong masculine touch, I felt disgusted, irritated, and dirty. The hands which were wrapped around me felt like the eternal rope of suffocation. I could sense my inner self slowly move away, as I faced the rhythm, with me matching the pace. My conscious was slowly dying, leaving the human body shallow. Maybe that was what I had deserved after all these years.

 

Part 1

 

I had thrown myself into this when I had murdered myself long back. I had suffocated my inner self to suffer from this eternal sense of guilt. Maybe everyone was right. I never deserved those. Maybe I could have survived only if I could go to them, but alas!

 

The door is closed, my paths are blocked and I am here, suffering from the pain of betrayals. My life in these twenty-five years has seen enough of the downs and ups of life. It has witnessed the pain and smiles together. From the small room, I have suffered a lot. I have been given names, lured in name of happiness, but received nothing but betrayals and hatred. I was that untouchable, dirty girl.

As soon as the other person left, I slowly sat up, gathering my own self which was lying down in the ground and silently left the room. The undone bed spoke a lot of things. The only hope of survival was the darkness, which has been my best friend for all these years. It never left my side, neither did it ever allow me to leave its side. Just like the stars and the moon stayed up in the sky, darkness stayed with me forever.

No, my story isn’t a common melodramatic story, trust me. It has several unknown twists and turns, and also the love I had been deprived. By the time you’ll be reading my tale, I’ll be gone, forever. I will be residing with the darkness and the silence somewhere in one of those stars, watching them laugh over my life. Maybe that’s what I had deserved all my life, maybe that’s what they mean when they had said I don’t deserve a life. With a wish that at least someone would understand my pain, my sufferings I am leaving behind this book. Maybe someone would know that not every time I can be put to blame.

I have heard them gossiping about me, my previous life. But in this new city, I have tried to keep my life as reserved as possible. There have been such circumstances when I was asked about the rates I charge for one night. Yes! You read that right. I was always the one to be put to blame or be laughed at or just gossiped about. The neighbors’ kids were strictly asked not to hover outside my place, or they would become like me! I was the contagious element. The entire locality was against me, none supported me or stood by me.

I always wished for a happy life. I regret my actions, I regret my words. What if I had yelled at them that night? Would things go right then? I pushed myself into the hell and now I search for the stairway, the one which can get me back there.

 

Part 2

Things are certainly not in my hands now. I spend my nights sitting by the window pane, asking for forgiveness from those who were once my lifelines. I committed several sins. The secret diary knows my darkest secrets, my fears, and my tears. These ten years had ceased my happiness, my smiles and bestowed me with the curses. I suffer because of my deeds. I know their curses work. I know those intense fights of the nights are the seeds of my suffering. This is why I am suffering. This is why I am hated. I now feel what is self-disgust. They are correct; I know nothing but to break happy families. Maybe that’s why I am called ‘unlucky”.

 

Maybe that’s why I am called names, laughed at and also considered inauspicious. I am not allowed to utter about the wrongs, I am not allowed to speak of the agonies, but I am left to suffer, to fight; with the world, with the taunts, with my own self, with my own identity. Society punishes me every day, leaves those judicial verdicts. Social isolation is the biggest punishment. I am left to die alone; I am left to die along with my dark stories.

My life wasn’t this difficult always. I was the pampered kid in the house. My parents did everything to keep me happy. The material crisis was something I had not realized, then. Unlike now, I was loved by everyone, I was considered to be the life of the house. Ten years and things are changed. My identity is lost and a pseudo name and fake smile are left behind.

 

Love and happiness are like the distant stars, close yet so far to achieve.

Teachers loved me, my friends adored me. I was one of the top students. I was the only daughter and also the most liked child. But the circumstances and destiny had prepared something, which lead me to my present situation. I lost my parents ten years ago.
I remember they had left for a movie night, leaving me and my brother. The night was cool and calm. Slow breezy air, subtle mixture of the warmth and cold made the evening perfect. My brother and I had our dinner because we knew that mom and dad would not return without having dinner. Who knew that calmness would resemble the tranquillity before the storm!

12 am, we were busy playing our favorite video game, dada received a call from dad’s number. He picked up, but the frown spoke for the fear.

“Puchki, mom and dad are admitted at the city hospital, they met a terrible accident”.

My world stopped there. We wasted no time but left for the hospital. But by the time we reached, our parents had left us alone, in this pandemonium of humans. They left us alone to survive. How could they do this to us? I was left stoned. I couldn’t believe the news. I couldn’t bear the shock and fainted.

 

Part 3

When I woke up, I saw dada beside me, holding my hand and crying. To see him cry was never a thing I wanted. He was always that jolly person. But this time, he was crying. I couldn’t hold my tears.

 

Dada, why did they leave us?” was the only thing I could ask. He hugged me tight and cried. I couldn’t hold back my tears and I hugged him back and cried. Things were alright some hours back and here we are, struggling with emotions.

2 am and our relatives started storming in. Many new faces were also there. I had never seen them before. They came, showed their sympathies and left. After post mortem, the authorities handed over the “bodies”. I saw them for the last time. My mom all decked up in the bright red saree, the bindi and the vermilion over her forehead. The silent smile was still there. She laid there as if she was sleeping. My dad wore his favorite kurta, for the one final time. He had his silent satisfactory face, like always. I adored them for one final time. I kissed them for the last time.

Dada stood there by the corner, watching everything, holding back his tears. I went up to him, hugged him. “Dada, they are saying its time.” I whispered. But he stood still, gave no ear to my words. I clasped his wrist and told him again. His expression told everything. But he fought back his emotions and walked towards mom and dad. Adored them, kissed them for one final time and walked out with them, for one final time.

I stayed back because there were many rituals that I had to do after dada returned. Shima aunty guided me. What else could she do? I had to do these chores. After everything was over, I went up to the window and sat down. The sky was clear. The stars were sparkling bright. “Maybe the Stairway to heaven is less crowded. Maybe mom and dad reached there.” Dada said. He had returned from their funeral.
-“Dada, we lost everything.”
-“I am still there, puchki….., I am still there”
-“But why did they go?”
-“We’ll ask them, when we reunite up in the Heaven, okay?”
-“Dada…”
-“What?”

And I hugged him, crying, howling, and fighting with my emotions. He had held my tight assuring he would always be there.

One year of that havoc, I and dada were surviving somehow. Part-time jobs, hectic after college tuitions, somehow we managed our lives. We had to sell our house to meet up the expenditures. We shifted to a small room, which we had rented. Roy uncle helped us very much during the time of struggle. He proved to be the angel we were looking for.

But, things soon changed.

After dinner, we had this habit of walks. Like the usual days, we went out for the walk together, speaking of our lives, which was now changed. Material crisis, emotional crisis, everything was grasping us. Dada complained of some discomfort and a striking pain in his chest.

 

 

Part 4

I called the ambulance, rushed him the hospital’s emergency ward. Everything was flashing by. One year before, I was in the same place, had lost my parents then. But I couldn’t afford to lose dada. I pleaded to the doctors to save him. He was in the ICU, struggling for his life.
Roy uncle was with me. He asked me to calm down and drink some water. But how could I calm down? My only hope was struggling for his life inside the room. All the wires disappeared in his chest. He laid their unconscious. “Please don’t snatch him from me!” I cried, I pleaded.

I looked at the sky, it was 3 am. The night was dark and the sky clear, with all the stars sparkling bright. I did not want a clear sky today, I didn’t want it.

My biggest nightmare proved to be true. The resident doctor gave up. “It was a case of fatal cardiac arrest, we couldn’t save him,” he said with his head held down.

The world stopped, everything was blurred. What will I do now? Our childhood memories flashed by, I sensed he was leaving me. He broke his promise.

Hopelessly I peeped through the glass window. Dada was there, sleeping peacefully. All the wires were being removed. He was being shifted from the ICU for the last formalities before he could go back with me for the last time. His body covered in white, his face had that satisfaction. He would meet Mom and Dad, up there. I was left alone to suffer.

Even his stairway to heaven was clear.

Roy uncle was still there. He was there with me. But his presence was uncomfortable. I had no time for my feelings. I had to complete his rituals.

I returned back, to the lonely abode. A once happy family was now completely devastated. Most of its members residing up in heaven, they left me to struggle hard in this hell. Dada could have taken me with him. He betrayed me. He broke his promise to be with me. Mom dad, dada everyone betrayed me. They all promised to be with me, but they left me.

I stared at their pictures, which was now hung by the wall with the garlands around. I stared at the stairway to heaven as I wiped off my tears. I sat silently, sobbing in the room which had seen me and dada struggle yet survive and smile at the night. The room was dead without him.

-“How will I survive uncle?”
-“Why? I am there for you! I mean, move into my house. Your aunt will be the happiest one to welcome you.”
-“What about this room? I already lost my own house, I lost everything uncle, I lost everything today!”

Roy uncle convinced me to shift to his home. Aunty was good to me. She welcomed me in, knowing the fact that I won’t be able to pay any rent or do anything to pay them off. They were kind, humble.

Some months passed, I was in a position to resume my college and tuitions again. I used to leave the house early in the morning and return back after 6 pm. I kept myself busy to keep away my sorrows because I wanted to fulfil every dream that Mom, dad, and dada had. I wanted to make them proud. Maybe that way, I could make them smile.

 

Part 5

With time, my emotions and feelings also turned harsh. I wasn’t that soft-spoken person anymore and how I can I be? I lost everything in a span of 365 days.

I was assured that I had nothing else to lose except for the fact I was yet to face something that I never could imagine. The arrival of Roy uncle’s son changed my life again. The day I had met him for the first time, I realized, something was wrong with the way he looked at me. I mean, something made me uncomfortable. His attitude, his manner of talking was very much disgusting. Who knew, someone so educated would devastate one life this easily!

23:00hrs, I was in my “room”, preparing for a seminar. I hear a knock on my door. I opened it, but there was no one. I stood there for a few seconds, but just when I was about to shut it, Rohan, along with his friends appeared. They smelt of beers, whiskeys, and everything. I realized, their intentions were not good. But I wasn’t allowed to shut the door.

 

I tried hard, I shouted, I restricted, but Rohan shouted, “There’s no one here to save you”. I was in for big trouble. They forced themselves into my room. Laughing, hooting, and screaming of victory. They threw my books, my pillows as if they were preparing for something. I couldn’t even run away. They had locked the door, and their smiles, their smiles were demonic. They were drunk, they were everywhere.

 

One was standing there with his phone, capturing everything and smiling. Someone grabbed me, threw me to the bed.

That night, I had witnessed it all. They threw my clothes on the ground, they forced themselves, and they intruded my body, my privacy. I had read about these in books, watched about this in shows, but never thought I’d have to go through this. I was used; they used me turn by turn. They tore my clothes, they bruised my soul, my body, touched me everywhere. They took turns to torture me, torment me.

They had cigarettes with them; they tortured my skin with the burning ash. They used every part of mine to satisfy their pleasure. Turn by turn, they destroyed my inner self. Bit by bit, they killed me. They had raped me, my soul, my dreams, and my family’s pride.
-“All done? Now me!”

Rohan appeared from behind. This time, his attitude was more violent, ruder, and harsher. He used my body as if I were his property. I tried to push him away, but could not. He just forced himself into me. What else could I have done? I tried to bite him, I tried to hurt him, but every resort failed.

When he was done, he wore his t-shirt back, smiled at me, threw money at my face and just warned me not to speak of this to anyone.

-“Make sure you don’t open your mouth! Otherwise, things will be worse the next time!” he said closing the door.

That night, I realized mom was right. Demons are real. They surround us. They are everywhere, following us, just waiting for one chance. I realized why dada used to pick me up when it would be late. I now knew why dad always asked me to return back early. But what can I do now?

 

 

Part 6

 

Should I speak to Roy uncle? But Rohan would then take the revenge and I have no proof. The society where patriarchy is prominent will take the side of the boy and won’t even ask for my words. Police won’t help, unless I have any evidence. Moreover, I have no money.

Forty hours later, Rohan came back. This time he came alone, no smell of alcohol. He entered directly, ordered me to move towards the bed. I restrained. I did not move from my place. He slapped me hard. Forced me into the bed, tortured me, raped me again. The previous bruises started to bleed; my bed was red, smelling of pukes and dirt.

 

I locked myself up for the days, didn’t go anywhere, neither for my college nor tuitions. I was tortured every time uncle and aunt left the house. Slowly and steadily, the tremendous torture saw no time. Hours after hours, he would just rape me, and I had to bear it all because I couldn’t speak of my fate. I was left with the darkness’ support. With the bruises on my body, on my dreams, on my soul, with a devastated soul, I sneaked out of that place. With just my family picture and also a haunting memory, I left the house. Four hundred days and my life saw the unexpected turns.

I lost my parents to a tragic accident, my brother to a cardiac arrest and now I lost my self because of the torments and tortures. Why was my life this harsh?

Just as I left, I realized, I was again an easy victim. Rohan saw me walking out. As I turned back, I saw him standing there. I ran, I ran with the little life I had. But he got hold of me, dragged me back into the fiery pit of pain and torture. That night, he raped me again. He raped with the dissatisfaction of me not abiding by his commands. He raped me because I did not agree to become his slave. He raped me because I did not offer myself to him. That night, he raped me because I refused to obey his command to not run away from his home.

He slapped me, thrashed me, punched me hard, kicked me, spanked me with sticks. To my astonishment, no one came to rescue. I screamed out loud in a hope that at least someone would come to help. I was helpless, I was clueless, and I could do nothing but just bear it all.

Later that night, after he left me to cry, I sat by the window to realize it was a cloudy night. The stars hidden, the moon wasn’t visible.

 

Part 7

-“Mom, no one heard my pleas. None came to my rescue, dad. Dada, you were right, they all are bad. I can trust no one here. Can you please come back? Please, mom? Or else just call me up there. I cannot bear with these anymore. He killed my life, my dreams. My inner self curses me every night, mom. I did no harm to them, I did nothing to Rohan. Then why am I even being tortured this way? Mom! I want to sleep in your arms again.

 

Mom I want to be with you again. Dada, why is the sky cloudy? Why cannot you hear my cries? Why don’t you say, anything dad? Wasn’t your daughter your precious belonging? How can they do this to your daughter, mom! Why am I the victim every time? When you and dad left, dada was there for me, always supporting and protecting me from the demons.

 

But after he joined you up there, I am left alone to fight everyone. My existence is nothing, my dreams are broken, and my life is shattered. Mom, dad. Can I please be with you? Please call me up there! I cannot suffer from this every day. I cannot bear a person raping me, using me for his own desires.

 

Dada, he even thrashes me, slaps me. I wish you were here by my side, everything would have been different. My life would have been so good. After mom and dad, you were my biggest support dada. Why did you leave? Why?”

That night the stars weren’t sparkling bright, they were dull, duplicating my agony, my sorrows, and my cries. Even the moon seemed vague, even the marks on its body were similar to mine. The marks were dark, blurry spoke a thousand words. That night stayed longer. My stomach hurt, my hands were shivering and my soul felt disgusted.

 

I was sharing the same roof with my culprit. I could not speak against the crime; all I could do was just silently observing it all. I realized, not every girl has a fairy tale, some suffer from the pain of hell, for the time unknown.

….Amidst whatever is not in my life now I try to settle for what I have, a mere room, the self-hatred and most importantly, the darkness.

I woke up from the strong touch, the strong masculine touch, I felt disgusted, irritated, and dirty. The hands which were wrapped around me felt like the eternal rope of suffocation. I could sense my inner self slowly move away, as I faced the rhythm, with me matching the pace. My conscious was slowly dying, leaving the human body shallow. Maybe that was what I had deserved after all these years.

I had thrown myself into this when I had murdered myself long back. I had suffocated my inner self to suffer from this eternal sense of guilt. Maybe everyone was right. I never deserved those. Maybe I could have survived only if I could go to them, but alas!

The door is closed, my paths are blocked and I am here, suffering from the pain of betrayals. My life in these twenty-five years has seen enough of the downs and ups of life. It has witnessed the pain and smiles together. From the small room, I have suffered a lot. I have been given names, lured in name of happiness, but received nothing but betrayals and hatred. I was that untouchable, dirty girl.

As soon as the other person left, I slowly sat up, gathering my own self which was lying down in the ground and silently left the room. The undone bed spoke a lot of things. The only hope of survival was the darkness, which has been my best friend for all these years. It never left my side, neither did it ever allow me to leave its side. Just like the stars and the moon stayed up in the sky, darkness stayed with me forever.

No, my story isn’t a common melodramatic story, trust me. It has several unknown twists and turns, and also the love I had been deprived. By the time you’ll be reading my tale, I’ll be gone, forever. I will be residing with the darkness and the silence somewhere in one of those stars, watching them laugh over my life. Maybe that’s what I had deserved all my life, maybe that’s what they mean when they had said I don’t deserve a life. With a wish that at least someone would understand my pain, my sufferings I am leaving behind this book. Maybe someone would know that not every time I can be put to blame.

I have heard them gossiping about me, my previous life. But in this new city, I have tried to keep my life as reserved as possible. There have been such circumstances when I was asked about the rates I charge for one night. Yes! You read that right. I was always the one to be put to blame or be laughed at or just gossiped about. The neighbors’ kids were strictly asked not to hover outside my place, or they would become like me! I was the contagious element. The entire locality was against me, none supported me or stood by me.

I always wished for a happy life. I regret my actions, I regret my words. What if I had yelled at them that night? Would things go right then? I pushed myself into the hell and now I search for the stairway, the one which can get me back there.

To Be Continued in Part 2…

Things are certainly not in my hands now. I spend my nights sitting by the window pane, asking for forgiveness from those who were once my lifelines. I committed several sins. The secret diary knows my darkest secrets, my fears, and my tears. These ten years had ceased my happiness, my smiles and bestowed me with the curses. I suffer because of my deeds. I know their curses work. I know those intense fights of the nights are the seeds of my suffering. This is why I am suffering. This is why I am hated. I now feel what is self-disgust. They are correct; I know nothing but to break happy families. Maybe that’s why I am called ‘unlucky”.

Maybe that’s why I am called names, laughed at and also considered inauspicious. I am not allowed to utter about the wrongs, I am not allowed to speak of the agonies, but I am left to suffer, to fight; with the world, with the taunts, with my own self, with my own identity. Society punishes me every day, leaves those judicial verdicts. Social isolation is the biggest punishment. I am left to die alone; I am left to die along with my dark stories.

My life wasn’t this difficult always. I was the pampered kid in the house. My parents did everything to keep me happy. The material crisis was something I had not realized, then. Unlike now, I was loved by everyone, I was considered to be the life of the house. Ten years and things are changed. My identity is lost and a pseudo name and fake smile are left behind.

Love and happiness are like the distant stars, close yet so far to achieve.

Teachers loved me, my friends adored me. I was one of the top students. I was the only daughter and also the most liked child. But the circumstances and destiny had prepared something, which lead me to my present situation. I lost my parents ten years ago.
I remember they had left for a movie night, leaving me and my brother. The night was cool and calm. Slow breezy air, subtle mixture of the warmth and cold made the evening perfect. My brother and I had our dinner because we knew that mom and dad would not return without having dinner. Who knew that calmness would resemble the tranquillity before the storm!

12 am, we were busy playing our favorite video game, dada received a call from dad’s number. He picked up, but the frown spoke for the fear.

“Puchki, mom and dad are admitted at the city hospital, they met a terrible accident”.

My world stopped there. We wasted no time but left for the hospital. But by the time we reached, our parents had left us alone, in this pandemonium of humans. They left us alone to survive. How could they do this to us? I was left stoned. I couldn’t believe the news. I couldn’t bear the shock and fainted.

To Be Continued in Part 3…

When I woke up, I saw dada beside me, holding my hand and crying. To see him cry was never a thing I wanted. He was always that jolly person. But this time, he was crying. I couldn’t hold my tears.

Dada, why did they leave us?” was the only thing I could ask. He hugged me tight and cried. I couldn’t hold back my tears and I hugged him back and cried. Things were alright some hours back and here we are, struggling with emotions.

2 am and our relatives started storming in. Many new faces were also there. I had never seen them before. They came, showed their sympathies and left. After post mortem, the authorities handed over the “bodies”. I saw them for the last time. My mom all decked up in the bright red saree, the bindi and the vermilion over her forehead. The silent smile was still there. She laid there as if she was sleeping. My dad wore his favorite kurta, for the one final time. He had his silent satisfactory face, like always. I adored them for one final time. I kissed them for the last time.

Dada stood there by the corner, watching everything, holding back his tears. I went up to him, hugged him. “Dada, they are saying its time.” I whispered. But he stood still, gave no ear to my words. I clasped his wrist and told him again. His expression told everything. But he fought back his emotions and walked towards mom and dad. Adored them, kissed them for one final time and walked out with them, for one final time.

I stayed back because there were many rituals that I had to do after dada returned. Shima aunty guided me. What else could she do? I had to do these chores. After everything was over, I went up to the window and sat down. The sky was clear. The stars were sparkling bright. “Maybe the Stairway to heaven is less crowded. Maybe mom and dad reached there.” Dada said. He had returned from their funeral.
-“Dada, we lost everything.”
-“I am still there, puchki….., I am still there”
-“But why did they go?”
-“We’ll ask them, when we reunite up in the Heaven, okay?”
-“Dada…”
-“What?”

And I hugged him, crying, howling, and fighting with my emotions. He had held my tight assuring he would always be there.

One year of that havoc, I and dada were surviving somehow. Part-time jobs, hectic after college tuitions, somehow we managed our lives. We had to sell our house to meet up the expenditures. We shifted to a small room, which we had rented. Roy uncle helped us very much during the time of struggle. He proved to be the angel we were looking for.

But, things soon changed.

After dinner, we had this habit of walks. Like the usual days, we went out for the walk together, speaking of our lives, which was now changed. Material crisis, emotional crisis, everything was grasping us. Dada complained of some discomfort and a striking pain in his chest.

To Be Continued in Part 4…

I called the ambulance, rushed him the hospital’s emergency ward. Everything was flashing by. One year before, I was in the same place, had lost my parents then. But I couldn’t afford to lose dada. I pleaded to the doctors to save him. He was in the ICU, struggling for his life.
Roy uncle was with me. He asked me to calm down and drink some water. But how could I calm down? My only hope was struggling for his life inside the room. All the wires disappeared in his chest. He laid their unconscious. “Please don’t snatch him from me!” I cried, I pleaded.

I looked at the sky, it was 3 am. The night was dark and the sky clear, with all the stars sparkling bright. I did not want a clear sky today, I didn’t want it.

My biggest nightmare proved to be true. The resident doctor gave up. “It was a case of fatal cardiac arrest, we couldn’t save him,” he said with his head held down.

The world stopped, everything was blurred. What will I do now? Our childhood memories flashed by, I sensed he was leaving me. He broke his promise.

Hopelessly I peeped through the glass window. Dada was there, sleeping peacefully. All the wires were being removed. He was being shifted from the ICU for the last formalities before he could go back with me for the last time. His body covered in white, his face had that satisfaction. He would meet Mom and Dad, up there. I was left alone to suffer.

Even his stairway to heaven was clear.

Roy uncle was still there. He was there with me. But his presence was uncomfortable. I had no time for my feelings. I had to complete his rituals.

I returned back, to the lonely abode. A once happy family was now completely devastated. Most of its members residing up in heaven, they left me to struggle hard in this hell. Dada could have taken me with him. He betrayed me. He broke his promise to be with me. Mom dad, dada everyone betrayed me. They all promised to be with me, but they left me.

I stared at their pictures, which was now hung by the wall with the garlands around. I stared at the stairway to heaven as I wiped off my tears. I sat silently, sobbing in the room which had seen me and dada struggle yet survive and smile at the night. The room was dead without him.

-“How will I survive uncle?”
-“Why? I am there for you! I mean, move into my house. Your aunt will be the happiest one to welcome you.”
-“What about this room? I already lost my own house, I lost everything uncle, I lost everything today!”

Roy uncle convinced me to shift to his home. Aunty was good to me. She welcomed me in, knowing the fact that I won’t be able to pay any rent or do anything to pay them off. They were kind, humble.

Some months passed, I was in a position to resume my college and tuitions again. I used to leave the house early in the morning and return back after 6 pm. I kept myself busy to keep away my sorrows because I wanted to fulfil every dream that Mom, dad, and dada had. I wanted to make them proud. Maybe that way, I could make them smile.

To Be Continued in Part 5…

With time, my emotions and feelings also turned harsh. I wasn’t that soft-spoken person anymore and how I can I be? I lost everything in a span of 365 days.

I was assured that I had nothing else to lose except for the fact I was yet to face something that I never could imagine. The arrival of Roy uncle’s son changed my life again. The day I had met him for the first time, I realized, something was wrong with the way he looked at me. I mean, something made me uncomfortable. His attitude, his manner of talking was very much disgusting. Who knew, someone so educated would devastate one life this easily!

23:00hrs, I was in my “room”, preparing for a seminar. I hear a knock on my door. I opened it, but there was no one. I stood there for a few seconds, but just when I was about to shut it, Rohan, along with his friends appeared. They smelt of beers, whiskeys, and everything. I realized, their intentions were not good. But I wasn’t allowed to shut the door.

I tried hard, I shouted, I restricted, but Rohan shouted, “There’s no one here to save you”. I was in for big trouble. They forced themselves into my room. Laughing, hooting, and screaming of victory. They threw my books, my pillows as if they were preparing for something. I couldn’t even run away. They had locked the door, and their smiles, their smiles were demonic. They were drunk, they were everywhere.

One was standing there with his phone, capturing everything and smiling. Someone grabbed me, threw me to the bed.

That night, I had witnessed it all. They threw my clothes on the ground, they forced themselves, and they intruded my body, my privacy. I had read about these in books, watched about this in shows, but never thought I’d have to go through this. I was used; they used me turn by turn. They tore my clothes, they bruised my soul, my body, touched me everywhere. They took turns to torture me, torment me.

They had cigarettes with them; they tortured my skin with the burning ash. They used every part of mine to satisfy their pleasure. Turn by turn, they destroyed my inner self. Bit by bit, they killed me. They had raped me, my soul, my dreams, and my family’s pride.
-“All done? Now me!”

Rohan appeared from behind. This time, his attitude was more violent, ruder, and harsher. He used my body as if I were his property. I tried to push him away, but could not. He just forced himself into me. What else could I have done? I tried to bite him, I tried to hurt him, but every resort failed.

When he was done, he wore his t-shirt back, smiled at me, threw money at my face and just warned me not to speak of this to anyone.

-“Make sure you don’t open your mouth! Otherwise, things will be worse the next time!” he said closing the door.

That night, I realized mom was right. Demons are real. They surround us. They are everywhere, following us, just waiting for one chance. I realized why dada used to pick me up when it would be late. I now knew why dad always asked me to return back early. But what can I do now?

To Be Continued in Part 6…

Should I speak to Roy uncle? But Rohan would then take the revenge and I have no proof. The society where patriarchy is prominent will take the side of the boy and won’t even ask for my words. Police won’t help, unless I have any evidence. Moreover, I have no money.

Forty hours later, Rohan came back. This time he came alone, no smell of alcohol. He entered directly, ordered me to move towards the bed. I restrained. I did not move from my place. He slapped me hard. Forced me into the bed, tortured me, raped me again. The previous bruises started to bleed; my bed was red, smelling of pukes and dirt.

I locked myself up for the days, didn’t go anywhere, neither for my college nor tuitions. I was tortured every time uncle and aunt left the house. Slowly and steadily, the tremendous torture saw no time. Hours after hours, he would just rape me, and I had to bear it all because I couldn’t speak of my fate. I was left with the darkness’ support. With the bruises on my body, on my dreams, on my soul, with a devastated soul, I sneaked out of that place. With just my family picture and also a haunting memory, I left the house. Four hundred days and my life saw the unexpected turns.

I lost my parents to a tragic accident, my brother to a cardiac arrest and now I lost my self because of the torments and tortures. Why was my life this harsh?

Just as I left, I realized, I was again an easy victim. Rohan saw me walking out. As I turned back, I saw him standing there. I ran, I ran with the little life I had. But he got hold of me, dragged me back into the fiery pit of pain and torture. That night, he raped me again. He raped with the dissatisfaction of me not abiding by his commands. He raped me because I did not agree to become his slave. He raped me because I did not offer myself to him. That night, he raped me because I refused to obey his command to not run away from his home.

He slapped me, thrashed me, punched me hard, kicked me, spanked me with sticks. To my astonishment, no one came to rescue. I screamed out loud in a hope that at least someone would come to help. I was helpless, I was clueless, and I could do nothing but just bear it all.

Later that night, after he left me to cry, I sat by the window to realize it was a cloudy night. The stars hidden, the moon wasn’t visible.

To Be Continued in Part 7…

-“Mom, no one heard my pleas. None came to my rescue, dad. Dada, you were right, they all are bad. I can trust no one here. Can you please come back? Please, mom? Or else just call me up there. I cannot bear with these anymore. He killed my life, my dreams. My inner self curses me every night, mom. I did no harm to them, I did nothing to Rohan. Then why am I even being tortured this way? Mom! I want to sleep in your arms again.

Mom I want to be with you again. Dada, why is the sky cloudy? Why cannot you hear my cries? Why don’t you say, anything dad? Wasn’t your daughter your precious belonging? How can they do this to your daughter, mom! Why am I the victim every time? When you and dad left, dada was there for me, always supporting and protecting me from the demons.

But after he joined you up there, I am left alone to fight everyone. My existence is nothing, my dreams are broken, and my life is shattered. Mom, dad. Can I please be with you? Please call me up there! I cannot suffer from this every day. I cannot bear a person raping me, using me for his own desires.

 Dada, he even thrashes me, slaps me. I wish you were here by my side, everything would have been different. My life would have been so good. After mom and dad, you were my biggest support dada. Why did you leave? Why?”

That night the stars weren’t sparkling bright, they were dull, duplicating my agony, my sorrows, and my cries. Even the moon seemed vague, even the marks on its body were similar to mine. The marks were dark, blurry spoke a thousand words. That night stayed longer. My stomach hurt, my hands were shivering and my soul felt disgusted.

I was sharing the same roof with my culprit. I could not speak against the crime; all I could do was just silently observing it all. I realized, not every girl has a fairy tale, some suffer from the pain of hell, for the time unknown.

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1 Response Comment

  • Aparna Mondal13/08/2019 at 10:03 AM

    Extremely touching story! Well written !

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